I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
