Plan B is the new Plan A
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
