last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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