Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
