my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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