just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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