I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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