I'm so fucking centered right now
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
