yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
