So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
