Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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