You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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