When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
