Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
