I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
This house was built for laser tag.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
