It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
