Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
