I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
