Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
