It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
