I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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