Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I supernannyed him into submission
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
