If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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