Dual....:-)
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
