And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
