I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
