I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
