I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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