You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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