I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
