whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
