If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
