ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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