Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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