So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
