What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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