he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
