I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
