dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
