I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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