She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
