She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
