So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
