the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
