All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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