I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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