It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
of course. lets lasso hookers.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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