Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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