We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
