Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
