If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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