Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
