just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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